So Human That It's Disgusting
by An Ordinary Riceball
Summary: Orihara Izaya was not normally the type to be affected by criticism because of how he detached himself from people. However, when he actually put his 'trust' into somebody, he ultimately expected it to be respected. To be honest, he found himself disgusted to understand that Shinra would never return his, albeit twisted, feelings. 1sided IzaShin


_**Story: So Human That It's Disgusting**_  
 _ **Summary: Orihara Izaya was not normally the type to be visibly affected by criticism because of how he intentionally detached himself from people he received such things from. However, when he actually put his 'trust' into somebody, he ultimately expected it to be respected. He had done a lot for Shinra, so, to be honest, he found himself disgusted to understand that Shinra would never return his - albeit twisted - feelings. Being as prideful as he was however, he had nobody but himself to blame for not having a single chance in hell to receive the love of the doctor whom he idolized more than anybody else.**_  
 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara!**_

 _ **...**_

Orihara Izaya was not normally the type to be visibly affected by criticism because of how he intentionally detached himself from people he received such things from.

However, when he actually put his 'trust' into somebody, he ultimately expected it to be respected. He had done a lot for Shinra, so, to be honest, he found himself disgusted to understand that Shinra would never return his - albeit twisted - feelings. Being as prideful as he was however, he had nobody but himself to blame for not having a single chance in hell to receive the love of the doctor whom he idolized more than anybody else. It could even be said that Shinra was everything that culminated his very being and his very own 'god' and his own idea of "perfection".

He knew it was pathetic, yet he couldn't help but find himself laughing in spite at Shinra telling him to go die on an ice shaver all those days ago. What an insult to his 'worry' for his friend that was. But he laughed at misery of it anyway.

However, after a few minutes of laughing, his smirk disappeared, as he looked at his phone all the while also recalling how he had nearly betrayed Shinra, and punched that telephone pole all those days ago. He now walked down a street of Shinjuku, grumbling to himself. "Who am I to be jealous of that headless woman?… After all, that was so cruel that I do feel sick with myself."

He soon gave a bitter smirk of bravado. "I guess I deserve it, then, huh? This /is/ what they call karma, after all…"

"And this is _exactly_ why I love humans so damn much!"

He shouted those words, but somehow his heart just wasn't in it now, and he couldn't help it. He felt completely betrayed and found himself cursing every ounce of the Headless Rider, Saika, Shingen and himself for it. If Celty hadn't became the center of Shinra's world, if Shinra's father hadn't used that damned demon blade to sever that tie between the Dullahan and her head in the first place she could have and would have stayed in Ireland where she belonged. In turn, if that had happened, there was a huge chance that Shinra would have never approached him, therefore he wouldn't have been suffering in such petty one-sided feelings to begin with. Either that, or if they had met he could have just claimed Shinra for himself. But it was pointless to think about now, he realized. Shinra didn't care. But he couldn't stop himself from brooding on it. After all, he was a masochist who loved to feed off of his envy and ego.

Pained laughter arose in his throat yet again, and, this time, he just laughed, looking up at the sky, before his smile faded completely. A nearly emotionless expression came upon his features as rain, which he immediately deemed to be mocking him, began pouring, splashing in his face. "…Ah, what do I do now? Shinra is definitely mad at me for saying such words of spite to his headless girlfriend, right? He looked so angry at me."

"Since you can't get along with Celty and speak to her with some of the respect she deserves, you're not welcome here, Izaya." Shinra had told him. However, being pessimistic, Izaya, all he wanted to hear was -

"I'm not welcome, after all…"

And he just smiled, disgusting and human-as-hell tears welling up in his eyes, falling down his face while they blended in with the rain dripping down his face and gliding down into his glossy black hair.

His heart, which was unknowingly more brittle than anybody else's, was one that he didn't even know he had.

And after all the years that he had grown to know and embrace the doctor which he had obsessively came to 'love' and respect with everything he had and could give; that he /knew/ how to give, that heart had finally cracked yet again, even more than when the bespectacled had been stabbed, revealing who he really was down deep, revealing the one truth he had always laughed at, yet wanted to spit on more than anything else.

The truth that he had wanted to reject by becoming immortal.

The truth that his - now _ex_ \- friend wanted to insist on.

The truth that he was just human.

Orihara Izaya was neither good nor bad, because he simply lived true to his own desires, and most importantly logic.

Feelings of the heart were unnecessary to him.

-Because humans truly are weak beings.

As such, relying on logic was the only ethical way he knew of where he could ever hope to confidently function.

So he just loved humans.

And continued to love them all.

Obsessively.

Irrationally.

Unconditionally.

\- It was true that his feelings were sure to be unrequited.

But that was why it was fun.

He loved humans in a way that only he could appreciate because it was so fun that it made him sick.

He was a masochist, after all.

He laughed and laughed and laughed, tears freely spilling from his eyes.

"More like a _hopeless_ masochist, ne Shinra? Ha-ha-hah! Hah… _Damn_ …"

 _~ Fin._

 _"He might seem cold-blooded, but he's more human and his heart more brittle than anyone else. So much so that if you filled it with human love or betrayal, it'd break easily. Which is why, I think, he chose from the start to avoid it all, to love humanity. You understand? Not to accept, not to face it. To avoid it. It's something like how a windsock flies. On first sight mouth wide open, like he's smiling and accepting everything, with a huge capacity… But in reality it's a cylinder with no bottom. That's why any amount can go through the mouth. And he can love anything." - Kishitani Shinra_

 ** _A/N: What did you think. This was probably so ooc, but the thing Shinra said in Light Novel Volume 13 about Izaya's heart really got to me, so here you are._**


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